Category Archives: funny
Another True Conversation
Setting: Last night, I tuned into one of the cable TV music channels (generic pop hits or some such) to have background music while cleaning house. At one point, FF and I stopped to regroup, and while sitting on the couch chatting, a Rob Thomas song came on.
Me: (sigh) I have to confess that I’m a little bit in love with Rob Thomas.
FF: (rolling eyes) Yes, I know.
Me: what?! (shocked) Damn, I thought I had that infatuation under secret wraps.
FF: I could tell by the way you always drool excessively whenever you talk about him.
Me: oh. There is that, I guess.
Truths for Mature Humans
DISCLAIMER: I want to make it clear that I am NOT the author of this list….it came to me via forwarded email but it contains no attribution or author identified, and while I found it reposted on other sites, no one listed the original author. I suspect the list probably grew over time as various people contributed to it. Anyway, if anyone knows of the originating author(s), please let me know!
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way….be prepared to laugh, and nod your head (alarmingly frequently):
Truths for Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
21. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
23. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
25. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
26. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
27. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
28. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
29. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it may annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
In Exile: Day 1
Dear loved ones, friends, and rest of the Internet,
My professional captors have escalated. They have exiled me from my prior holdings (a secure, pleasantly isolated office) in favor of General Population (AKA the cube farm). They attempted to secure Good Behavior from me, by providing the incentive of “a new computer workstation“. However, I should have known it was a sham designed to avoid prisoner misconduct. “New computer workstation” turned out to be recycled / reconfigured beast of a machine with insufficient RAM to simultaneously run the operating system and the minimum 5 or 6 programs that I need open at all times, in order to pay my debt to society. One would think that high-intensity tech-user captives would be given the appropriate equipment to do their work, but alas – not to be. But at least the monitor is big and shiny.
I am being subjected daily to two forms of sensory torture: blinding morning sunshine that causes a migraine-inducing glare on New Computer Workstation, no matter which way it is angled, and profoundly distracting noise pollution such that I am beginning to actually HEAR the thoughts forming inside other General Population captives. I admit that I am overly sensitive to the noise aspect (late-life development of attention deficit disorder? side effect of motherhood?), and it isn’t a reflection of abnormal habits or actions on the part of the other captives. They, like me, have little control over their destiny in this place.
My only real consolation is that I brought my condom tree, neon flamingo lamp, and a few other outward touches of eccentricity to General Population holdings. I may be an exiled captive, but I still have balls (metaphorically speaking).
If I should ever find a way to smuggle this prison diary out, PLEASE SEND HELP.
Sincerely,
Exiled worker
Busy Blogger’s Best Friend
A post full of pictures with very little text! YAY!
Check out my cool new pink fedora! Goes splendidly with my gym leotard!
Yes, that is my child sitting in a box full of empty plastic water bottles. Why? I have no idea.
BIG enthusiastic crowd for tonight's trash-can drum concert!
I had a surgical biopsy done last week, and the only bandaids I could get to stick on my hand were the stylish Dora variety - go figure!
Why do I find piles of toys like this on my living room floor?
ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT ME???
Pleeeeeeease don't put me out in that frosty cold 60 degree weather!
Some Awesome Recent Search Traffic
Here are some search engine terms that recently brought traffic to this blog, and which amuse me to no end (hey – gotta take my laughs where I can get them these days…):
- bacteria for kids – Any particular strain you want? I’ll see your streptococcus and raise you 2 staphylococcus.
- scared duck – Does that make it taste better?
- demonic elmo – Well, he is naturally kind of demonic, yes…..
- “ducktape” – Buahahahaaha!
- make people feel important do it sincere – As opposed to insincerely making people feel important?
- dead possum and bacon – YUM! I know this blog has the word “DINNER” in it, but I swear I have never eaten possum.
And the number one search term in the history of this site, with thousands of hits and links…..is…..
drumroll….
WILDEBEEST!
(guess my random analogy really paid off that day!)
