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A Horrifying Shower Experience
Well, not like “Psycho” horrifying, but still.
So yesterday, I crankily and blearily crawled out of bed, already in a grouchy mood because a) it was morning, b) it has been a bitch of a week at work, and c) it was morning. I headed off into the bathroom for the few moments of blissful, relaxing solitude I was likely to get all day: a nice hot, semi-leisurely shower. We have a very efficient water heater and blisteringly hot showers are one of my favorite things in life.
Anyway, I jumped in and started the water, and just as I reached up to adjust the angle of the shower head, the hose on the hand sprayer popped off and water started flooding out all over the place. After a few choice epithets hurled at the shower, I got the water turned off and started pathetically bellowing for my dear husband…because I don’t fix stuff. That’s a manly man job. Yes, call me sexist or whatever but there it is.
Fortunately he was already awake because his dear daughter had kicked his balls into a pulp in her sleep for several hours and he couldn’t take the abuse any longer, and got up early. He calmly assessed the shower situation, retrieved some kind of manly tools, as I stood there pathetically shivering, and then came back to at least temporarily reattach the cracked hose. He informed me it wouldn’t last forever but would probably get me through my shower. Right, ok, so off I go back to my steam-enhanced solitude.
About halfway through, the devil cat (AKA Cookie) who apparently was locked in the bathroom with me, began SCREAMING. I’ve never heard her scream before, EVER, and it startled me so bad I almost fell out of the shower. I poked my head out expecting to see broken limbs, spurting blood, whatever, and yet all I saw was her calmly sitting on the rug nonchalantly staring at me. I muttered a few more choice words and went back to the task at hand, and another few peaceful moments went by and then all of a sudden the little cat slut started screaming again! I looked out of the curtain AGAIN, only to find her calmly sitting there staring at me without a care in the world.
She was so loud that FF heard it in the other room and came to investigate. He opened the door and Cookie casually wandered out of the bathroom with no indication of anything amiss.
WTF people? She always follows me around in the bathrooms and such and never, ever complained before about being locked in for a few minutes. Hell, if she has to poop, she just uses the toilet anyway! For that matter, she very rarely meows at all. She chirps, purrs, and makes chittering noises but doesn’t meow much at all, and never screams. So I have no clue what was going on in her little pea brain the other morning.
But anyway, I was just praying to finish my shower without anymore bizarre inconveniences, and I was just about to rinse the conditioner out of my hair….and the hose popped off again. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
It’s enough abuse to make a person call in sick for the rest of the month. 
Good Natured, Cont.
Uncle Bubba reminded me that I left out an important anecdote from the same day, which just goes to illustrate how irrationally, illogically, cranky I was.
While I was in the playroom talking (snarling) to FF, for some reason I thought UB had gone into the bathroom. Towards the end of the conversation I was getting really angry at how long he’d been in there. Not because I needed to use the bathroom, but just BECAUSE. However, he actually wasn’t in the bathroom.
But I was still mad.
Because I’m So Good Natured
This post is for my little brother (AKA Uncle Bubba).
A couple weekends ago, when Uncle Bubba (UB) was in town hanging out at our house, and I was really hot, grouchy, and generally unfit for human company, I stalked off to the bedroom to nap away my bad mood, while K entertained herself with tormenting UB. FF was out running errands.
Now honestly, I don’t know why I was in such a bad mood but it was one of those epic, fire-breathing, don’t LOOK AT ME SO LOUD kind of moods.
FF came home while I was napping, and paused by the bedroom but didn’t come in to chat. I was sort of dozing–aware that he was home but not really awake enough to initiate conversation. Awhile later, I woke up, even crankier than before. Poor, poor FF had no idea what was coming for him.
CM: I thought you were going to come wake me up and talk to me. (my inner hateful, illogically angry crone was just starting to come out).
FF: you were sleeping…I didn’t want to bother you.
CM: I was not! I was just dozing and waiting for you.
FF: um, dear, you were snoring. You were sound asleep.
CM: I WAS NOT and I THOUGHT you were going to come talk to me!
(rapidly assessing the situation and seeing the neurotic psycopath eyes, he started emergency verbal maneuvers)
FF: sorry, I just didn’t want to bother you…you looked very tired…
CM: I was not tired, just grouchy and waiting for you!
FF: why are you so upset?
CM: I have no idea! did you find the sandwich I ordered for you? it was on the kitchen counter.
FF: (warily) I saw it but wasn’t sure whose it was so I made something else for lunch.
CM: geez, you could have asked someone! (snarl)
FF: uh, you were sleeping…
CM: SO? (snarl)
(yeah, the fact that he didn’t find the sandwich actually made me even more irrationally angry. For.no.good.reason. And honestly, there really was nothing wrong that day, other than I was just uncontrollably grouchy and every single turn of conversation made me angrier and more hostile.)
He looked rather like a rabbit pinned into an inescapable corner by a big, angry, wolf with PMS. I grumbled incoherently to myself for a few minutes and then removed myself to go back in the bedroom and seethe with irritation for a couple more hours. UB stayed FAR away from that whole scene and did his best to remain invisible.
The next day, I was restored to my normal cheerful, friendly, happy self. Like nothing ever happened. I was talking to my mom and mentioned my inexplicable hostility of the day before, and said something like “yeah I don’t know why I was so grumpy, because generally I’m so good natured and happy.” FF wisely stayed silent. UB choked, sputtered and has not let the issue drop ever since.
Next time, I’m coming for you, dude.
(for the record, I really am a nice, kind, and loving wife most of the time. Right honey??)
